The Passion Ration

The last straw to finalize divorce proceedings in a marriage is when adultery is committed. I would say the hurt is unbearable for the loving partner who has been betrayed. Innocent Parties like the children and family members automatically become involved to take their share of the heartache when a marriage collapses.

Many couples manage to salvage what is left of their relationship and carry on regardless fighting a lost cause. It is not easy to put your feelings and emotions on hold. Emotions are a powerful force that comes back with vengeance filling you with anger and in some cases hate.

All the respect and trust has gone leaving that once happy relationship a farce. They say you forgive and forget. Sorry having none of it, forgive yes forget no, mental scarring does not heal.

So much suffering is caused by a one night stand or affairs that normally do not last long after the guilty party has lost everything. Ask your self is it worth it.

I do not condone such behaviour where a man or woman strays outside the Marital Home to seek pleasure; only in some cases there are reasons why partners go down this road seeking comfort elsewhere.

May be the adulterer is not the guilty one. What of the spouse who decides to ration the passion in the bedroom leaving the partner no choice but to have his or her needs fulfilled outside the marriage.

You need to think twice before making a one sided decision about when you want to play or not play ball in the bedroom. Excuse the pun, but the ball is in your court to put back the missing link that is causing your marriage and partner to suffer.

They say true love never runs smooth, and if that being the case then for a little happiness give me the rough with the smooth any day.

If you have a problem regarding being bored in the bedroom, talk it over with your partner.

Rekindling a relationship is a made a lot easier if both parties participate in trying to understand why such actions were taken in the first place. Talking it through may help you both realize that the marriage is worth saving.

Counselling is out there for couples struggling to come to terms with the fact the marriage is over. Consider the children's feelings throughout any divorce proceedings, they will need time to adapt to having there whole life turned around.

Abide by your marriage vows, if out of spite you decide to sleep alone in the master bedroom then accept the fact that the guilty part is the Betrayer not the Strayer.

Divorce is certainly an emotional time for families. In fact, it ranks as one of the most stressful experiences in life. However, it is not only the adults who experience this stress. If the adults are parents, their children often suffer greatly. Their suffering can not be entirely eliminated. A certain amount of grief at the 'death' of their parents' relationship is to be expected. Nevertheless, while the adults are going through typically arduous legal wrangling it is important for them to remember the needs of their children and put them first. Deciding to cooperate for their sake will help to protect the children's emotional well being by maintaining their sense of security and need for unconditional love. Marital breakdown is difficult for everyone - especially children. There are several ways in which loving, responsible parents can cooperate for the good of their children. Even though the marriage may have broken down, the parental relationship is 'till death do us part'.

Child and youth counselors emphasize that children need lasting relationships with both parents. More often than not joint custody is granted because of this accepted understanding. Ideally, the relationship of the parents should be business-like and cooperative for the sake of the children. Children should not witness hostility between their parents and should not hear negative statements about either parent. It is recommended that parents commit to regularly scheduled meetings, in a neutral location for the purpose of discussing child-related issues. Education, medical, religious and moral issues that concern the children's well- being need to be dealt with by both parents. If emotions prohibit calm conversation, there are often family justice counselors available in the community to facilitate these important meetings.

Children going through the divorce of their parents usually have many questions and worries. Compassionate responses are required and it certainly takes mature parents in order to put aside their own issues and help their children gain some understanding about a situation over which they have no control. Unfortunately, many children experience guilt and often blame themselves for the marital breakup of their parents. Counseling - whether group or individual - can be an effective way to lessen this destructive burden. The objectivity of the counselor may help the child open up and share his/her feelings. As children mature, their questions will differ so the issue of their parents' divorce is never really over. A commitment on behalf of both parents to open communication with the children will reassure them greatly.

Divorce is not just a termination. It’s a beginning.

Maybe your friends of the family or people at work will be going through its own set of changes as you face others with your new civil status.
Divorce may be defined as a termination but it is the start of new beginnings and the introduction of a number of changes in both you and your children’s lives.

Is divorce for you?

Before that, if you are reading this and are in the process of considering divorce, take a moment to think about several assertions. If you believe that you can accept the following assertions as true in your marital relationship, give the idea of divorcing your mate a second thought.

• I believe I still have love for my mate.
• I am prepared to seek counseling or marital therapy for the sake of the relationship.
• I want to transform for the better.
• I value openness and truthfulness in my relationship with my mate.
• It doesn’t matter who’s right or wrong, what matters is that I am willing to seek forgiveness or forgive when needed.

However, if you cannot see yourself in the mentioned assertions, read on to gain a basic understanding of divorce.

There have been misunderstandings as to how divorce and annulment differ. As mentioned, divorce is a termination of the marriage contract. Annulment, on the other hand, deems the marriage null and void, as if one were never married in the first place.

In certain areas where divorce has stigma attached to it due to the country’s dominant religious belief, annulment is more popular.

The Popularity of divorce

Most developed countries, despite certain religious stigma, divorce is widely acceptable. The popularity of divorce in developed countries has been on the up rise since the 20th century. Countries like the United States, United Kingdom, Canada, and South Korea, have all been affected by this popularity of divorce.
However, in the Philippines and Malta, divorce is illegal. Even if divorce is legal in Japan, the country has been able to maintain a distinctly low divorce ratio. Because of the Catholic Church’s influence, a number of countries in Europe have banned divorce. As a result, people in these locations seek out other areas in order to get divorced.

The very first thing you must realize is that you will not die because of divorce. It has happened to millions of people before you and it will happen to millions of people after you.

Although divorce cause severe emotional pain, you must believe that you will get over it. Of course, it takes time, but you will eventually recover and find love again. It is very important that you understand this.

It is crucial to understand that the marriage is over. It is vital that you immediately let go of the other person and begin setting your own life in order.

You must not think about pain or dwell upon what was yesterday. The more you think about the past the worse it will hurt, and the longer it will take for you to recover.

You must think about yourself. You cannot allow yourself to just sit and waste away. You need to take hold of yourself and go on living.

In order to counter bad feelings, you must keep yourself busy - clean your house, wash your car, write out a budget, study or go to work. Keep yourself moving and working on the kinds of things that make you happy.

It is extremely important that you express the feelings of anger you are carrying or they will eat you alive. The best way to deal with anger is to know exactly what you are angry about and then choose the most suitable way to express your anger to the person that has made you angry.

Another important thing in recovering from a divorce is to eliminate the feelings of guilt from your mind as quickly as they come into sight. Simply tell yourself that your marriage did not work out. You must forget about your ex as quickly as you possibly can!

Of course all of this is much easier said than done, but these things you must do, and you must do them right away.

To recover from the trauma of divorce, you must allow enough time for the healing process to be completed and be positive that tomorrow will be a happier day for you.

The high divorce rate of recent in Britain is a major factor leading to ever increasing levels of debt, a new report claimed recently.

Debt Free Direct has claimed that the break down of marriages is a significant factor behind people's financial problems, which suggests that many are forced to take out a debt consolidation loan following the completion of a divorce procedure.

The debt advisory agency has reported that those who are divorced are a third more likely to be declared bankrupt. Of those divorcees, women are running the highest risk.

Females are 14 per cent more likely to face financial ruin and are 26 per cent less likely to qualify for an individual voluntary arrangement, which can prevent bankruptcy.

Heavy debts that are incurred by an ex partner are a major cause of financial problems, even after a divorce, with Debt Free Direct finding that an ex's excessive debts are an underlying factor in almost three in ten bankruptcies in the UK.

Typically, people in a relationship will take on debts in joint names with their partner, never believing that the relationship will end. But when it does the effect of divorce or separation can seriously heighten the impact of the debt problem, spokesman Derek Oakley explained.

Mr Oakley advised married or divorcing couples to take steps to protect themselves from the poor finances of their partner.

For example, he said, even after divorce, many couples still hold credit cards and / or store cards in joint names.

After separation it is important to advise the credit card company to terminate the joint card. If you do not do this, you could well be pursued for payments on debts that your ex partner has run up.

The report contradicts previous assumptions that debt levels are exacerbated by a growing consumerist culture and relaxed attitude towards credit.

Going through a divorce can leave you angry, in grief and filled with mixed emotions. In other words, it can be a time of intense stress.

During this period you may feel like your life is falling apart. However, the end of marriage can be the beginning of personal growth - after you get your stress under control.

To help you get your life back on track, experts recommend working on yourself from the inside out.

For example, studies show that taking an all-natural supplement, like Vital StressX can help the body's natural defenses fight against the emotional wear and tear of a divorce, such as lack of sleep. Made by CyberWize.com, Vital StressX contains a unique combination of seven herbs, called "adaptogens," that help your body regulate cortisol, the "stress hormone."

"By taking Vital StressX each day, you'll increase your body's tolerance to stressful conditions, helping you become balanced and active once more," said Dr. Robert D'Amico, an osteopathic specialist in Tarpon Springs, Fla.

In addition, CyberWize.com offers the following stress-relieving tips to help you get through your divorce.

* Write a letter to your ex-spouse. Getting your feelings out of your system is a healthy way to start recovering from anger, resentment and other emotions. But after you're finished writing the letter, don't send it. Rip up the note and throw it away along with your sorrows.

* Seek counseling. Discussing the failed relationship with a professional can help you identify what went wrong and figure out what you need to do to recover and learn from the experience. Also, it can help you share your deepest feelings in a safe, secure environment where you won't be judged.

* Sweat it out. Exercising regularly does more than keep you fit. It also releases endorphins and is a great outlet for anger.

Are you feeling relieved after divorce or cheated? After many divorces people feel happy while in many rather more cases they feel cheated. Why? Divorce it self is a very painful process and the times that lead to divorce are more painful. The question is why get the sense of feeling cheated after getting divorce? Let us talk about this.

Relationship demands giving - People give a lot to their marriage; most of them do it except few. Right from the development of relationship, a lot of time, emotional energy and physical resources are given to make it work. During marriage the investment goes higher. Most of the partners want the marriage to work. There are exceptions that unbelievably want to destroy because of psychological problems. When cracks develop in the marriage, lot more effort is made to save the marriage and when the marriage breaks after putting in so much effort, one feels cheated.

Is this true for all? This is not true for all. There are few individuals who don't give anything in marriage. They ask for it. The demand and contribute nothing. That is the game of selfishness played by them. So these people will never feel cheated. They will only feel bad that they lost an easy victim.

What should you do? The only way out is to forget the losses. Try to erase the past as much as possible. This will be difficult, but break the pain bit by bit. Work on it and it will go away one day. Try to forge another relationship and forget what went wrong. Cut your losses as soon as possible.

Cooperation may not be a word many people associate with divorce, but if the authors of a new book have their way, it soon will be. Called "The Collaborative Way To Divorce: The Revolutionary Method That Results in Less Stress, Lower Costs, and Happier Kids-Without Going to Court," (Hudson Street Press, $23.95) the book provides what authors Stuart G. Webb and Ronald D. Ousky say is a way for couples to avoid litigation, without giving up what they want.

Their Collaborative process, which is a nationally acclaimed approach, is helping transform the way couples dissolve their marriages, divide assets, reinvent their post-divorce relationships and deal with custody issues.

For instance, the divorce process is traditionally started when one spouse prepares (with the help of an attorney) a summons and petition. That paperwork is then filed with the court and a judge is assigned the case. In Collaborative divorces, both clients and their attorneys meet for a four-way conference to discuss how everyone wants to proceed with the case. All parties sign an agreement which commits them to resolving all issues out of court.

The book guides readers step by step through the Collaborative process and emphasizes what the authors say is a key point: Collaborative divorces aren't about going easy on your spouse, they're about ending up with more money, less stress and happier kids.

It is true that marriages are made in heaven. But everything falls flat on their butt once a marriage hits the rocks. Every bit of reconciliation fails and divorce seems to be the only way out. If everything – both financial and other aspects - is settled before parting ways, then we can say - all is well that ends well. But if the separation is not so amicable and there is some sourness left somewhere in terms of an unsettled financial debt, things can turn both ugly and complex.

One such difficult situation arises when one of the partners incur a credit card debt, and the credit card debt after divorce assumes the form of a Damocles sword in the form of collection people, constantly nagging either of the ex-spouses to settle the due. The situation is a bit tricky here because whether the person who incurred the debt or the other ex-spouse has the real responsibility of making the payment is still not defined clearly by the law. The situation gets more complex when it comes to joint accounts. But let us see the credit card debt after divorce now.

Credit Card debt after divorce – mostly in joint credit cards – is generally seen by the creditors as the joint responsibility of the couple. Actually the spouse who didn’t incur the amount is not liable to pay, but the credit card company may seek payment from both the parties as they care only about the money due to them. What settlement had been reached after divorce is of little interest to these people.

One may feel that closing out credit card accounts (joint) is a solution to all these problems. If you have a responsible spouse, well this will work. But the fact is that the account does not cancel itself until somebody makes the payment. Also, after divorce, it is legally not practical to divide the debts. Hence these are some practical solution, from best to worst.

- Sell any joint asset (say, home) and pay the debt and close the account. It is a classic example of killing two birds with a stone.

- Separate credit cards can be a better option in such a situation. After applying, get the dues transferred into individual cards, divided according to your own logic or the way you spent.

- In this regard, if one of the spouses is not qualified to get a card, get one of the relatives to cosign the card before transferring the share of balance.

But, rather than being through this ordeal, the best option is to get yourself everything settled before divorce. It is always a pain to go behind all these joint issues when you are about to start a new life. Take Care!

In countries which are predominantly Catholic, divorce is not welcomed by the culture which is greatly influenced by religion. For example in the Philippines and Malta, divorce is illegal. Because of the Catholic Church’s influence, a number of countries in Europe like France banned divorce. As a result, people in these locations may seek out other areas in order to get divorced.

Comparing and Contrasting

In countries which have legalized divorce, separating from your spouse may be much simpler than in those where divorce remains illegal. In countries where divorce is illegal and annulment may be the only way of getting out of a problem marriage, matters can get much more complicated.

The process of annulment may take a much longer period of time than the procedure of divorce. Divorce is the termination of a marriage contract. Annulment, on the other hand, deems the marriage null and void, as if one were never married in the first place. This makes couples think twice before considering the final step of annulment. But this can have its pros and cons.


Culture and Divorce

Most of the time, a woman may even stay in an abusive relationship for a long period just because of the culture’s view on separation. This is exactly where countries which have legalized divorce have the upper hand. In these cultures, getting out of any kind of abusive relationship as soon as possible is emphasized greatly. Looking at it this way, divorce becomes a tool for saving those spouses in detrimental marriages. But divorce itself may also be abused.

Marriage is a serious decision for anyone and it should not be taken lightly with the thought that one may just as easily get a divorce.

Debate upon the ease in which a couple may get divorced in some cultures has also long been discussed. The “Las Vegas” ease of tying the knot and just as easily cutting it off has been highly criticized by conservative cultures.

Getting married for a couple of hours just for the feel of it and then getting divorced soon after in just the same hurry is a clear example of how divorce can be abused.

In this article I am going to explain about how a friend of mine managed to get through a rather messy divorce and how she came through the whole experience a much stronger person. I hope her story helps other people who have or are going through a divorce.

My friend is called Sue and she married her childhood sweetheart called John when she was only twenty-two. Sue has explained that at the time she could not have been happier and was very much in love. She hoped and imagined that they would spend the rest of their lives together. Sue had met John when she was at school and they had been dating since the age of fifteen.

After the marriage, they then talked about starting a family and before long they were parents to two boys. Sue believed that this was the icing on the cake and left work to bring up her children.

Unfortunately things were to soon go horribly wrong. John started coming home later and later from work and Sue was at a loss as to what was going on. John of course stated that he was only doing his work and that he was working overtime to give his family a better life, especially as Sue was no longer working. In reality John was having an affair with a woman he had met at work.

After a few months Sue found out about the affair and asked John as to why he had seeked the attention of this other woman. He replied that Sue had been the only woman he had slept with and that he felt that he had missed out on the experience of dating other people. Despite the fact that Sue was willing to forgive John, the relationship was soon to end as he moved in to live with his other woman.

Sue was obviously very upset and could not believe what was happening to her. Before long divorce proceedings were under way and Sue decided to put the family house on the market and returned home to live with her parents, the boys of course went with her.

This was a very depressing time for Sue. One day however she was walking through her local shopping precint and saw a group of handicapped children. Sue thought to herself that the situation she was in was only temporary and that she would eventually be happy again, but that these children would more than likely to be handicapped for life. This strangely enough helped Sue to gain the strength and to think positive about the future.

Sue is now re-married and is once again very happy, she still hates her ex-husband however. Sue has learnt a lot from her experience of getting divorced and tries to think in a much more positive way. She has realised that there are many people in the world in a far worse position than what she is in.

I believe that divorce is one of the biggest epidemics in our current society that isn't being recognized or treated as such. As a marriage and family therapist, of course divorce is something that I am passionate about because it is something that I am spending my life to fight against. I am not ignorant enough to believe that I will see all cases of divorce end during my lifetime, nor am I ignorant enough to believe that all divorce cases even should be prevented. I am, however, perhaps ignorant in my belief that it is crazy for people considering divorce to get advice from a divorce attorney.

Now, most of you are thinking I'm crazy. Who would go to a divorce attorney for advice about their failing marraige? Many people, unfortunately. I had no idea until I began working with marriages and families in crisis just how many individuals and even couples were seeking refuge and advice with their divorce attorney.

I was overwhelmed by my new knowledge for one primary reason. Have people considering getting a divorce forgotten that a divorce attorney is the very last person who will be concerned with them repairing a broken marriage? A divorce attorney makes a living helping married people get divorced while getting as many benefits from the divorce as possible. So why would any nearly-divorced person go to a divorce attorney in hopes of fixing their marraige? Beats me.

My advice to anyone struggling in their marriage is to make an appointment to visit a professional counselor or a marriage and family therapist. The core reason why I suggest this is because in general, counselors and therapists are people who deeply want to see marriages and families restored rather than torn apart. If I am looking for someone to help me fix my car, then it is far wiser to get help from an individual who actually believes that cars can be fixed, right? Of course. The same is true with marriage. Do not go for help to someone who believes that marriages should end easily and for any reason at all. Go instead to a professional who is trained in giving you wisdom about ways to make your relationship work.

A divorce attorney is great for people who are sure that divorce is the option they are choosing. If, however, you are still unsure of your options and if you are still hoping for healing in your marriage, then a divorce attorney is the last person you should see.